What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
