Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
