My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
