Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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