i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
