Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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