So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
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