I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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