it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
