listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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