Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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