From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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