We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Is Oprah even human
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
