So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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