Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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