And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
