I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
