I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
