he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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