Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
