So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I lost the right to judge tonight
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
