We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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