I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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