I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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