I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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