Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
