What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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