help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
did i just pee glitter
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
