Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't deserve a penis
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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