Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
