No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
