So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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