then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
