Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
