omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
