If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Never let your siblings swipe right.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
