Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You're like the curious george of whores
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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