I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
