My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
