I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
