What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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