Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
