So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
