Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
