Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
