Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
