WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
