i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
