My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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