I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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