so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
