Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
