i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Randomize
