So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
