my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
