I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize