I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
