GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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