My cat gives me a boner
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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