when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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